Ep. 76: How to Talk to Parents When Behavior Isn’t Improving (Data-Driven IEP Conversations)

In this episode, Audra and Caitlin tackle one of the hardest parts of working in special education and behavior support: talking with families when things are not improving yet. When behaviors are escalating or strategies aren’t working, those meetings can feel tense for everyone in the room. The conversation explores how educators and BCBAs can stay transparent, rely on objective data, and keep relationships strong with families even when the news is difficult. Instead of panic, blame, or sugarcoating, the focus is on collaboration, trust, and problem-solving together.

🔑 Key Takeaways
• Tip 1: Start with transparency — Families usually know when things aren’t going well. Honest communication builds trust.
• Tip 2: Lead with data, not emotion — Share observable patterns (frequency, timing, context) instead of subjective language.
• Tip 3: Share what’s been tried — Explain strategies already attempted, what’s happening now, and the next steps.
• Tip 4: Stay calm when emotions rise — Pause, slow the conversation, and return to shared goals for the student.
• Affirm the child first — Let families know you genuinely value their child before discussing challenges.
• Follow up in writing — Send a short recap so families can process and avoid misunderstandings.

📦 Resources Mentioned
• Join the Misfit Behaviorists Facebook Group → https://abainschool.com/misfits
• Share strategies for navigating difficult parent conversations
• Ask questions or suggest topics for future episodes

🙌 Join Us & Share
• How do you handle tough conversations with families when behavior plans aren’t working?
• What strategies help keep meetings collaborative instead of confrontational?
• Have you found ways to share difficult data without escalating stress for families?
• Join the discussion in the Misfit Behaviorists Facebook Group
• Know a teacher or BCBA who dreads parent meetings? Send them this episode 🎧

Join the Facebook group for collaboration and freebies: The Misfit Behaviorists

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• Caitlin | Beltran’s Behavior Basics
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Transcript

Ep. 76: How to Talk to Parents When Behavior Isn’t Improving (Data-Driven IEP Conversations) 

[00:00:00] Caitlin: remembering that goal of maintaining that relationship and building trust. The goal is not perfection. The goal is not every meeting's gonna be perfect and behaviors are gonna be down, and skills are gonna be up, that communication's gonna be up. That's not real life.

[00:00:15] Intro: Welcome to the Misfit Behaviorist Podcast. Join your hosts, Audra Jensen and Caitlin Beltran, here to bring you evidence-based strategies with a student-centered focus. Let's get started.

[00:00:27] Caitlin: Welcome back to another episode of Misfit Behaviorist Podcast. Today, Audra and I are talking to you about conversations with families when things are not going well, so how to have that data-driven conversation without panic or blame. This is one of the hardest parts, I think, with IEP or parent meetings is really talking to families when things are not going well, like not when things are improving, not when skills are exploding. This is when behaviors are escalating, strategies currently are not working, and everyone in the room feels that, [00:01:00] and I've been in plenty of meetings, as I'm sure you have, Audra, when this has been the case, but I wanna dive in and talk about how to do this with honesty, with data, without panic, without blame, and without losing that trust between the family and the educators.

[00:01:14] Audra: So did something happen recently when, when your family, how did

[00:01:17] Caitlin: this may not be inspired by true events. No. I mean, I just feel like, yeah, every once in a while this happens, right? Like we love to live in a world where like big skills are constantly going up and behaviors are constantly going down, but like that's not real life. And actually I think that in efforts to maintain relationships with families, not that anyone's hiding anything, but sometimes we'll have these meetings and then our director will say, okay, do you feel like the family really understands the behavior is so severe or this is happening because we're always so nice and we're saying, but we also are seeing progress here, but they're also improving with this skill. And so on the whole, when things aren't going well, we wanna make sure we're not accidentally hiding that or glossing over that, or being too optimistic. We just wanna be [00:02:00] super transparent with families and also drive that conversation toward progress of course.

[00:02:05] So the first tip I had was to really, again, just start with transparency, not a spin. I think one of the mistakes that I'm kind of describing before we even jumped in was trying to soften the message too much. So families typically already know, right, if something is not going super well. So if we lead with everything's been great or things are going well, and then later, like the other shoe falls, it kind of breaks trust. It can feel like a little bit like a bait and switch. We do wanna name concerns early, but using that neutral, observable data, not labeling, like, we're not saying anyone's been bad, we're not saying anyone's been disrespectful, we're using really objective language. And I think that honesty really builds credibility even when the message is not super comfortable.

[00:02:50] So are there any situations you've seen where, in trying to protect families by minimizing concerns, it's maybe made it a little bit worse down the road?

[00:02:58] Audra: Yeah, this actually, what [00:03:00] popped into my mind when you were talking about this is, is being able to say, and I can't say there's ever been a kid come through my system that I didn't really love, you know? And so if you start with I love having your kid. I know we have challenges we're gonna have to talk about. You understand that, but I just want you to know I really enjoy who he is or who she is and just starting with that or to share something, you know, cool that they did something funny. He came in with this funny story this weekend, it was really great. Or something that just makes the parents feel like, you like my kid. Because that just makes a big difference. And I think that sort of takes that pressure off of a parent and coming into a meeting, especially if it's like a, a challenging behavior meeting or something, you're right, they absolutely know, you know about, you're not gonna bring up a behavior, oh, I've never seen that before. So they know that that's coming in. So if they come in and they feel like you like their kid, it makes a big difference to starting that meeting out.

[00:03:50] Caitlin: That's such a great point. It's such a great way to start with a positive where you know, you're not glossing over, you're not saying things are going great, but the truthful thing is, yeah, [00:04:00] I do love him and I do love having him in my class every day. I love seeing them every day. But now we're gonna talk about some other things. But you're right, it builds that credibility and lets you know that like you see that child as a human first.

[00:04:11] So the second tip being to lead with data, not emotion. So because we love these kids so much, sometimes we get so emotional and so invested, we might say, but they're really struggling with this, or they're having such a hard time doing this or listening to this command. Compared to something like, we've seen an increase in elopement during transitions over the last two weeks. When we say a child is struggling or not listening or having trouble with something, families could take that in a hundred different ways. So when we say specifically, elopement is up there, leaving the classroom without permission more, or aggressions are higher this week than they were last week, or something, really, database like that, it gives that clarity without that blame, without that subjective language, and also just sharing patterns. Are we seeing it when it's during [00:05:00] transition time? Are we seeing it when it's during related arts or specials as opposed to academics and just inviting the family to participate in that communication and collaboration. So I typically, when I'm sharing anything that's negative or not so much positive, I'd say we're seeing the behavior during this time. Does that mirror what you see at home? And then right away I am sharing a data-based observation, but I'm immediately pivoting to the family to join me in this collaborative discussion. And I'm not just like saying facts at them and then jumping into a plan, like from the beginning before we even talk about a plan. I want to be in this conversation together and get their input.

[00:05:35] Audra: Yeah, and I think I've shared in one of the other episodes that I like it when we have the parents sit on a certain side of the table and then we leave an empty chair so that whenever whoever's talking goes and sits next to the parent, so they feel like we're working together. So that's something that takes out that emotion and, hey, we're gonna look at things. We're gonna be systematic, but we're working on this together. We're on the same side of the table. And then when that person's done talking, they move outta that chair and [00:06:00] somebody else and comes and sits down. And I think that's just what you're saying is that make sure they feel like they're part of the team, even though we're talking about hard things and difficult behaviors and stuff like that, that we're working on it together.

[00:06:11] Caitlin: You've shared that before and I love that. I've never seen that before in person, but I truly love the idea of that kind of model of seating. So while we're being clear about what's not working, we wanna avoid those vague phrases like, we're gonna keep an eye on it. You know, like we, the families deserve to know like exactly what we're seeing. Even if we don't have a tenfold plan at our fingertips, they deserve to know exactly what we've tried, maybe what has not been effective. So far we've been using this visual, we don't see them responding to it. That's all just information. And it doesn't really signal, there's a huge failure. It just signals the data is telling us it's time to adjust. So start by listing, saying what you've tried, what you're currently trying, and of course, giving those strategies time to succeed. We're not just willy-nilly one after the other but being really transparent about what we've tried, what we're trying now, and [00:07:00] maybe what we're trying in the future, and also just normalizing that difficulty. This one I think is really huge, especially, really learners of any age. But I think the scenario that I'm thinking of in my recent practice that inspired this was it's a family of an older student on the autism spectrum and they are a nonverbal learner who's had a lot of behavioral challenges. They tend to be kind of cyclical with their behaviors and a lot of us can, I think, relate to individuals of that profile to families who've experienced those challenges. So just acknowledging how hard it is to hear challenging updates, but also validating that without escalating that fear. So I know this is so hard to hear. We want to share progress with you, and there has been some progress, but please know, we're actively working on it and we're trying X, Y, and Z, and I think those statements can really go a long way. Like we can be honest, but also super supportive at the same time.

[00:07:56] Audra: I wonder if you've seen the same thing in your experience of a lot of the [00:08:00] parents, because autism is genetic that we have a lot of parents come through that they have their own mental health or disability challenges, even if they're subtle, that I've seen either parents who kind of, downplay the challenge and behavior because they feel the same way. Or who can't really understand the impact of it in a classroom setting. So how do you deal with parents who you're trying to sit next to and get them to understand, but it might be a little challenging for them because they're kind of in the same position as their child.

[00:08:29] Caitlin: Yeah, that's a great point. I'm thinking of a learner who has a behavior, he will try to run away from us at times. I'm sure all of us have had this paper at one point or another. He's not really trying to leave us to be dangerous. He thinks it's very silly, but of course it can lead to very unsafe situations and the family tends to they just, they're, I think so used to it and so used to having the support at home and working with this their whole life is almost like the opposite of some settings. They're underreacting instead of overreacting. And [00:09:00] they're like, oh, that's him, you know, loves to run. And I'm like, but this is a problem. So really just like we're saying, like presenting that data in a straightforward manner. But sometimes, if I'm sending home like emails or notes, then it becomes a phone call. If the phone call I feel isn't really quite getting it, then it's an in-person conversation, like we'd love to have more in-person conversations, I think, with our families than time allows. But I try to be really thoughtful about after your families for a little while, I think we all have a sense of like which way they best receive information and how I can best present it to them in that most straightforward way. Again, without sounding the panic alarm, but just really being transparent about no, this is a very big deal and we're actually pulling in tons of resources to try and tackle this before it gets any bigger.

[00:09:44] Audra: I think what you talked about is really important because it might take them some time to understand the impact of certain behaviors. If they don't see it as a problem, you don't need to pound it all the time, but it's something you're constantly bringing up regularly, they may begin to see that it is a problem in that setting. And the other thing is keeping [00:10:00] things written for our parents too. So jotting down notes about your meetings and stuff so that they can process it later, because in the moment, having those meetings, some of that verbal stuff, they may not process in the moment. So just jotting down notes about your meeting, what you talked about, what the plans are, and letting them process that later at home. And then, Hey, come back to me next week if you have additional questions and we can talk about it again.

[00:10:21] Caitlin: That's huge. I'm so glad you mentioned it because I think after any kind of meeting that we suspect might be difficult or could have the potential to be misconstrued, there should always be that follow up in writing. And sometimes it goes both ways 'cause a lot of our learners in our self-contained or ABA classrooms, we're sending home notes on a daily basis, this is how the behaviors were, this is what specials they went to. And sometimes as a parent, I can imagine they almost, not to tune them out, but they're like, okay, they had a difficult morning. So then it becomes like, how do I differentiate? No, this was a really difficult morning and that's when the meeting comes into play. But following it up with that email. Not that I think most parents are willingly trying to misunderstand [00:11:00] or have that gotcha moment, but you're just eliminating any even slight chance of that happening, right, down the road parents said, well, you didn't say it was that bad. No, I sent you that email and I put in a specific number of times he was leaving. I also wrote about what plans we're going to do. So you're just covering yourself from all angles.

[00:11:17] And with that coming, of course we're telling parents not just what we've tried, but what we're going to try, also, I think one mistake I sometimes guilty of myself but see is that we're not being specific enough. So instead of saying, oh, we're gonna try this new visual, or we're gonna try this new plan, also giving parents or families what is our next step in informing you of how that's going? So, let's put a date on the calendar, meet again, how about two or three weeks? Regardless if things are going great or terrible, you'll hear from me. And then we can let you know how that plan worked out. Because I think a lot of times parents or families in the meeting leave thinking, okay, everything's great and that's great. There's a plan, but we don't wanna take their complacency and feel like, if things haven't gotten better, we don't have to inform them [00:12:00] again.

[00:12:00] So just again, holding ourselves accountable to revisit that, whether it's in writing or with the meeting, and talk about what our future plans are.

[00:12:07] Another tip is just to stay calm even if families aren't. This one, I think is huge. If you do have that family, that's, not even overreacting, but rightfully so just reacting to news of challenging behaviors. That's a huge reaction. I think anyone who's a parent or even who's not a parent who's worked with children before can understand how hard that is to hear difficult news. You're hearing times that your child is in distress, right? Like that you're hearing things that are not going well. When emotions rise, that's when we wanna really slow that conversation down, come back to our data and our shared goals. And it is okay to just pause every once in a while, have your notes written down and you're getting to A, B, and C, and your parent is starts like you see the tears falling or emotions getting high. Like we can deviate from our plan and then check in and say about like, here, see you receiving this, do you wanna stop there or do you want me to keep [00:13:00] going?

[00:13:00] Audra: Not even make it a choice. Hey everybody, I could really use a bathroom break and make it you. Yes, I could really use a bathroom break. I'm gonna go get some water. How about we meet back here in five or 10 minutes and we'll resume And just give them so that they don't have to say, yes, I need a break. That it's just, hey, let's just all just take a breath and we'll come right back and keep going. And sometimes that just gives them a minute just to step out, take a breath themselves and be like, okay.

[00:13:22] Caitlin: I know if I see that strong reaction, it's almost like a signal to me, I am talking too much because no matter what they're experiencing something and maybe they'll would, might say, I just need a minute, or I'm just upset. But chances are, if they're having that visceral reaction, I need to stop and hear what they're processing. I really have never had a parent sit there and have this incredible emotional reaction and not wanna share it. Or even if it's a blame, like towards me or towards the school, if it's anger. If I just keep plowing through and sticking to my agenda, they're not listening at that point. So that's a good time to stop and be like, why don't you tell me like how you're feeling and what you see at home? And then just [00:14:00] keep responding. Like let them take the lead for a little bit. And even them just sharing those thoughts nine times outta 10, it lowers the temperature in the room so they can get back to that shared goal.

[00:14:09] Finally, just remembering that goal of maintaining that relationship and building trust. The goal is not perfection. The goal is not every meeting's gonna be perfect and behaviors are gonna be down, and skills are gonna be up, that communication's gonna be up. That's not real life. So remembering the goal for every meeting is leaving with this family's trust, with this family's collaboration, and with them seeing you as a trusted source if they don't value your input, your expertise. We're never gonna make any inroads with this family, this relationship.

[00:14:41] Audra: I can't say I've ever had a perfect meeting ever. There's just no such thing.

[00:14:46] Caitlin: Oh, absolutely. I mean, that's what we're talking about. Alright stop, pivot, change the script, all those things. We have to be dynamic in the moment, but I think it really comes through when you're valuing that relationship first and your effort and your follow through is [00:15:00] there, and we're not using that subjective language. We're not using blame, we're not using emotion to guide us. And I've seen a lot of success with those strategies and that's what keeps our team moving forward. And I'm thinking that even when progress is really slow, it still can build that relationship so that we can work together to adjust our things going forward and help that child succeed.

[00:15:21] I think that's it. Those are my tips for navigating difficult conversations, specifically when things are not going well with families. These conversations are really hard, but avoiding them or sugarcoating them doesn't really protect or help our families. Only those clear, really compassionate conversations are the way to make headway.

[00:15:39] Definitely pop into our Facebook group. Comment, if you've had these conversations before, what tips you use, we would love to hear about them or drop some ideas for an upcoming episode. Otherwise, see you next time.

[00:15:51] Intro: Thanks for listening to the misfit behaviorists, and be sure to tune in next week for more tips and tricks. Don't forget to subscribe so you don't miss an [00:16:00] episode.